In the Beginning: A Dietary Satire

In the beginning, God covered the earth with nutrient-rich broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman could live long and healthy lives.

Then using God‘s bountiful gifts, Satan created ice cream and donuts and Satan said, “Do you want hot fudge with that?” And man said, “Yes” and woman said, “I’ll have another with sprinkles.” And so they gained 10 pounds.

God said, “Try my fresh green salad” and Satan presented crumbled blue cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to lightly sauté those wholesome vegetables” and Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, chicken fried steak so big it needed it its own platter, and chocolate cheesecake for dessert. And man’s glucose level spiked through the roof.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra 20 pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV and remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

Then God brought forth lean meat so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created the $.99 double cheeseburger and said you want fries with that? And man replied “Yes, and super size them!” And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created stents and quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan created HMO’s.

- Clever Unknown Author